a heavy heart to carry
by Mia-Zeklos
Summary: "Alec was six years old the first time he saw someone get deruned."


**Notes: The title is taken from _Florence + the Machine_ 's _Heavy in Your Arms_. Written for the prompt _tribulation_ , plus a quote prompt. I would love to know what you think!**

Alec was six years old the first time he saw someone get deruned.

He had barely been able to understand what was happening. He had seen the supposed criminal surrounded by guards before they had entered the hall and had only realised what the punishment would be when the Silent Brothers had approached him with a stele. Alec had never seen anything like it before; had never seen a stele seem as violent as it had been right then with its white hot tip, and his eyes had widened when Brother Jeremiah had aligned it with the man's angelic rune and had pressed in.

The screaming had started somewhere around that point.

Alec hadn't quite recognised his mother's expression for what it was back then, but in retrospect it was easy to decode it, especially since it hadn't been just her; it had seemed that most of the Shadowhunters present had felt the same – reluctant compassion, heavily mixed with disdain.

 _It's against the Angel's will_ , his mother had said. _Of course it hurts._

His father had only murmured in agreement and Alec had finally been able to comprehend why they had brought him to the trial. It was both a lesson and a warning. This was what happened to anyone who defied the Clave's authority. It was just, it was inevitable and the people who went through it deserved to live like mundanes; deserved to become something _less_. To pity them meant to side with them, so it was best if any sympathy remained well-hidden.

It had taken three more years for Alec to learn that most deruned Shadowhunters died during demon attacks in the mundane world soon after their banishment. Two more years to find out that he'd had an uncle once – Max, just like his newborn brother – who had been stripped from his runes for marrying a mundane; an uncle his mother had never mentioned because she loved her brother enough to name her son after him but not enough to remain by his side.

It had taken him just a year after that to fall in love with Jace Wayland.

It hadn't been something Alec couldn't deal with. Despite his young age, he had already been getting better at containing any emotion that his parents wouldn't deem beneficial and for a while, things had been _fine_.

He had been so wrapped up in his own inner turmoil that he hadn't noticed what Jace was going through. He hadn't even noticed that the tension between them was what had driven Jace to ask him to become his parabatai; not until Jace himself had spoken up, unable to keep quiet any longer.

Now, years later as he lay in his bed with Jace pressed against his side, Alec realised that this wasn't the first time he'd made the connection between the happiness he'd been showered in for almost four years and one of the first lessons the Clave had inflicted upon him. There weren't many things that could get a Shadowhunter deruned, but being in love with one's parabatai – and following through with that love – was definitely on the list, regardless of how much they tried to evade the thought.

Isabelle knew. Alec was certain of it. He knew that she would never betray them, but the thought itself was unsettling – if she had found out, sooner or later someone else would, too, and they would lose _everything_.

It felt far more real than any other danger they'd ever faced and despite their best efforts, they could never quite forget about it. Or at least, _Alec_ couldn't manage it. Jace seemed completely calm just then. He was still asleep, if shifting restlessly in Alec's embrace, although Alec suspected that his own unease was echoing through their bond and causing the disturbance.

And that was the other problem – their bond had slowly started strengthening over the years and while Alec had managed to convince himself (or rather, had let Jace convince him) that it was a good thing, it was also _noticeable_. They were better in battle than they had ever been, yes, and they only got better with every passing year, but even other parabatai pairs had expressed surprise at just how in sync they were. It was the one thing they couldn't ignore; the one little detail that would _really_ start getting in the way one of these days, because it was easy with everyone else. _You don't have a parabatai; you wouldn't understand_ was a good enough excuse, had been for years, but it could only take them this far.

The trouble was that, for the first time in his life, Alec didn't have the slightest idea what waited beyond.

 **o.O.o**

Alec wouldn't look him in the eye.

At first, Jace had thought it to be just a coincidence – that he didn't want to raise suspicion during an already suspicious enough trip to Idris. Their presence here wasn't authorised and they hadn't informed anyone of their arrival, which made things bad enough, but arriving in Alicante and immediately heading for the Lightwood family house – deserted as it was currently – was even worse and it had been understandable that Alec would try and make their presence as unnoticeable as possible.

But they were alone now, sitting in Alec's childhood bedroom, and if Jace hadn't been so apprehensive of his parabatai's silence already, he would have probably devoted the afternoon to exploring the place. It was _telling_ that even after so many years – Alec had told him enough times that he barely remembered Idris – this was still the place he resorted to when he wanted to make sure that he wasn't being watched and under any other circumstances, Jace would have taken the opportunity to make the best of that. As it was, all he wanted was for Alec to say what was on his mind.

Granted, Jace had a pretty good idea what it could be. How could he not? Alec had been the first to mention it, but he could feel it too – the electric pull of magic; the way everything was just a little bit _easier_ because of their newfound powers. It felt somewhat like the magic they used for tracking, only much more enhanced and it was tempting to keep using it for the littlest things; so tempting that they had tried to refrain from using it as much as possible. It was the one thing they would never be able to explain away – the one sure sign that things had went way too far.

"Do you remember Helen and Aline?" Alec's gaze was still focused on where his hands were fidgeting in his lap. "They were guests in the Institute a few months ago."

The question was so unexpected that Jace didn't quite know how to react at first, but he nodded anyway. "They invited us to their wedding," he said. How could he forget? The wedding itself hadn't been too big of an affair, but it had been memorable for entirely different reasons. Namely, Helen's family (big enough that even Maryse had had trouble with accommodating them all) and the ritual itself. It had been beautiful and Jace had lost himself in the moment and in the realisation of how _possible_ this was; of how possible it could have been if he and Alec hadn't been-

If he and Alec hadn't been. But that was the problem here, wasn't it? They _were_.

"They wanted to take over the LA Institute when Helen's parents stepped away, right?" he continued when Alec showed no inclination of clarifying why he'd brought them up in the first place.

His parabatai nodded, eyes still straying away from Jace's. "They never got it. Helen's father tried, but the Council wouldn't listen. They both live on Wrangel Island now."

"That's-" Wrangel Island was as far away – in any sense of the world – from Los Angeles as it could get with its unbearable weather and the barely-there team of already present Shadowhunters guarding the Wards that kept Earth safe from all the demonic dimensions that surrounded it. "Why?"

Alec's laughter was joyless. "It wasn't their choice to make. Helen was just relocated there and Aline followed. And usually guarding the Wards should be an honour, but-"

Alec's voice died and he shook his head. Jace didn't need him to continue – he understood perfectly well. Helen's mother was a Seelie so Helen herself had been intensely watched since birth; it only made sense that her wanting to lead an Institute would be seen as suspicious. No matter which Institute she had grown up in, the outcome would have been the same and Jace wasn't surprised that Aline had followed her. They had seemed so close even before the wedding; constantly gravitating around one another to the point where he was unable to imagine them separating willingly. And Wrangel Island had its perks – if you ended up there, it was likely that you weren't inclined to judge anyone else for their life choices, which was a rare enough occurrence in the Shadow world to be very sought after.

As soon as the idea of that had occurred to Jace, he had realised where Alec's monologue was going and cold dread spread through him like venom. _No_. "Don't tell me you're giving up."

Alec finally looked up. "This isn't about giving up. We don't have a choice."

He had thought this through completely if he'd brought Jace here; there was no doubt about that. He had carefully examined every possibility, every little detail that would bring them to a different outcome, and he had come up blank. The thought itself was too painful to truly consider and Jace reached out, taking Alec's hand in his and squeezing lightly. _Don't let them tear us apart_. The message was clumsy and rushed – Jace was still new to the sensation of talking to Alec without really _talking_ to him – but his parabatai smiled nevertheless, tired and hopeful and hopeless all at the same time.

"That's not what I'm doing," Alec assured him, even though he still looked conflicted. "I'm just trying to find a place where we'd be safe."

"And your best idea is to be surrounded by criminals." It wasn't a question, not with Jace's tone sounding as dejected as it did, but it was enough to make Alec stand on edge.

" _We_ are criminals, Jace," he stressed. "I know that's not how you like to think of it, but that's what we are. And do you think it's going to be Wrangel Island for us if – _when_ – the Clave finds out? We won't get to end up in exile; we'll end up as _mundanes_."

Jace was aware of that. He had been aware of it ever since he had kissed Alec for the first time; ever since he had realised just what Alec's feelings for him were and had realised that they were returned. They had talked about every danger that could possibly reach them,

But they had never expected _this_. Despite all the warnings before their parabatai ceremony, no one had even hinted at the possibility of their parabatai bond evolving into something more, something better. _Eros_ would do nothing but change their bond for the worse, turn it into something much harder to control and that was why even the suspicion of it was grounds for severe punishment.

It was one of the things that made Jace all the angrier, he supposed. No one had warned them about the exact consequences and that was what had driven them to this. They had been careful, so careful, but still unable to stop the symptoms from appearing and if Jace didn't know better, he would have suspected that they had been deprived of information on purpose – that way, if they broke the Law, everyone would know.

It was only a matter of time; Jace knew that, and then they both knew the long list of punishments by heart. There was no way of escaping the Clave's justice once a transgression came to light, and they couldn't run away. They wouldn't last a year before being found out – the Shadow world wasn't big enough for them to truly go into hiding; not with the limited knowledge they had of the mundane world. It was ironic – they had survived the Mortal war and the aftermath of it, and all the hardship that had followed, but they still couldn't imagine being anything but Shadowhunters.

"I love you," Jace said at last. It wasn't a _yes_ , but it wasn't a _no_ either. Not anymore. "And if you think it'll be for the best for us to go, we'll go. But we need to think it through first."

"Of course." Alec was trying to look convinced – and convincing, Jace suspected, although it wasn't working too well – but he still seemed troubled. Jace couldn't blame him – he was just as familiar with everything they would have to face before this was through.

 **o.O.o**

"You know, everyone thinks you're being very noble."

Startled, Alec straightened in his seat, taking in his surroundings. They were still on the boat that was supposed to take them to Wrangel Island, as evinced by the faint rocking motion and the bone-chilling cold and he could understand if Jace was bored – not much had happened since they had arrived through the Portal in the Helsinki Institute – but it was still irritating to keep getting pulled away from the edge of sleep for no good reason. He had barely slept for the last week and he knew that his parabatai hadn't fared any better, even if his way of handling the situation was as different from his own as it could get.

"They do?" he asked, slightly more inclined to engage in a conversation than he had been an hour ago. Jace nodded.

"'Course. You're a war hero and you still chose to spend your life in service of the cause, thousands of miles away from home. It's unheard of."

"I'm sure they're saying the same about you." If Jace couldn't bother to hide his cynicism, then why should he? Even if people did say these things about them – and Alec didn't doubt that they did – the bitterness in his parabatai's voice was enough to taint whatever joy he might have felt from the idea.

"They are," Jace shrugged. "But it doesn't matter now, does it?"

"It's not too late to go home if you want to." Patience had never been Alec's strong suit and it wearing thin now wasn't a good sign; not when they were bound to spend most of their time together in the middle of nowhere, fighting snow demons and upholding the Wards for days on end. They wouldn't be all on their own, but there wouldn't be much in the way of distraction either; it was one of the things they had had enough time to think about before making the decision to come here once and for all. It didn't make much of a difference that it had been the only possible decision; the only way to keep their loved ones safe in case things slipped out from under their careful control.

The tension in Jace's expression melted away, quickly replaced by an almost unnoticeable smile as he reached over, his hand cupping Alec's cheek. Alec felt himself leaning into the touch despite his best intentions and Jace's smile grew wider. It usually did when he managed to coax his parabatai into relaxing even a little bit and the _normality_ of it all was enough to put Alec at ease.

"We don't get to pick and choose. You're stuck with me," he said, voice easy and light and almost _happy_ and Alec felt something constrict in his chest; something he had tried to ignore until now.

Something that felt dangerously close to hope.


End file.
